I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
