i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
