It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
he shaved USA in his pubs
what day is it and did you see me today?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
