you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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