Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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