it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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