My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
