I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
