ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
