i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
