yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
