I need help removing her.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Randomize
