I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
