I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
