she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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