i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
