in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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