Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
