sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Liz is crying about burritos again.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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