She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
