I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
