how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
