I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
