I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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