My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
