I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
