I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
