turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
