Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
