so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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