Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
