There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
