I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
