I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
