I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
