Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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