Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
handjob tips. give me some.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
