i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
