Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Sober January is a disaster.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
