Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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