I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
