i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
