I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
