pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
