the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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