cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
