I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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