My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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