3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
