You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
