even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
