Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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