i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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