my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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