It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
